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Things No One Told Me

Published on 11/2/2023

A New Mom, a New Marin
THINGS NO ONE TOLD ME

By: Taylor Shepard | November 2, 2023

The haze is lifting.

I check my clock and hours, instead of minutes have passed. She's still asleep soundly in the bassinet by my bed. The proverbial fourth trimester is coming to a close, and it feels like time during the past three months has both flown by and passed so SO slowly.

White noise fills our once quiet bedroom, and I know I should sleep, but I can't.

I can't look away from her even though I have been desperate all day for a nap, a moment to myself, free hands to type this article… but here I am with the time to sleep, and all I can think about is holding her in my arms again. This overwhelming love for my new baby is something everyone told me about motherhood.

My baby girl was born late July, and to say her arrival rocked my world would be an understatement. There is not a single five-star book, targeted Instagram course, or proven-to-work product out there that can give you the knowledge for what the fourth trimester feels like. I have been torn apart, and pieced back together by this tiny human.

If you know, you know.

But I didn't know. There are so many things NO ONE TOLD ME.

And in this season it feels like the best way I can give back is through the truth. The truth that I either wasn’t told or did not have the ability to hear. The truth that, while they say it’s hard having a newborn, the nuances lost in this obvious statement are immeasurable. And while no two babies, mothers or families are the same, I feel it is important to speak openly about my truth in hopes it will bring some clarity to an expecting mom, some solidarity to a mom in a similar stage, or some healing to a mom who remembers these days.

A list of things no one told me…

Birth is not the main event: Your plans will probably go up in smoke. So do your best not to get too attached to anything except following your baby's lead. You have the rest of your lives to try to make plans (but good luck with that, too!).
Breastfeeding is hard: And the decision to BF vs. using formula or pump (or as I have done - all three) is not always a mothers choice. Be kind. Leave the judgment of yourself and others behind.
The person you become immediately after birthing your child is someone you will not recognize: It is impossible to grasp how the hormones and new emotions will overtake you. Be gentle with her, she is new here, too.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture: “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is a lie. Contact naps are not spoiling your newborn (my daughter is taking one on my criss-cross-applesauce lap as I type this).
The fear and anxiety is no joke: And it probably is not going anywhere. Instead of ignoring or avoiding it try to find support: doctors you trust and who do not mind your incessant calling, family, and friends who will be there when you need them, some great mom friends who are also awake at all hours of the night and don’t mind discussing the ever changing color of your baby's poop.
On diapers: They will teach you how to change your baby's diapers in the hospital, but no one will tell you how to change your own. Turns out your first matching outfit with your little one will probably be a diaper. Let yourself heal.
You probably do NOT need most of the baby gear the internet wants to sell you: But you absolutely do need diapers that actually work (different for all babies but we love Huggies), some sort of great bouncer and carrier (Bjorn is our go to for both), easy to dress clothing (Little Sleepies for the win) and seriously… the Snoo is heaven sent (you can get pre-loved ones for a great price!).
Do not feel like you owe anyone anything, other than your baby: If your baby does not want to be held by a visitor, you have the right to say that it is not a good time. If you need your family to cook, clean and support you instead of playing with the little one, SPEAK UP. If you want to be alone, your door is not revolving. If your baby (or you) does not follow society's structure, you have the right to rewrite the rules for your family.

I have been so surprised by the true hardships of the Newborn Era that were simply overlooked as I prepared for my daughter's arrival. I hope that society shifts in a way that provides a bit more honesty about the experience I see so many moms having. This motherhood thing is no joke, and us moms, we are so strong for handling all that is thrown our way. So, let's toss a lifeline out to those joining us in the ranks. Let’s leave nothing left unsaid. No mother left alone.

For me this newborn era is coming to a close during a tragic time in our world. I would be remiss to glaze over the unbelievable gratitude I have for the care and safety I am able to enjoy as a mother. We count our blessings daily and there is not a moment she is in my arms that I do not say a little thank you to the universe. I am sending love and strength, especially to new mothers, to those who do not have these same human rights honored.

Taylor Shepard is a new Marinite and mom-to-be exploring what this next stage of life will hold alongside her amazing partner, Jacob. She is a lifetime equestrian and entrepreneur who specializes in heart centered horsemanship and equine facilitated wellness. Taylor and Jacob have 5 horses and a beloved mini goat, Hazy Daizy. She is the owner of EQ Wellness LLC and founder of the California Cowgirl Company, a PATH certified instructor at BOK Ranch, coach of the Stanford Western Equestrian Team, and an avid Wild Horse advocate. You can learn more about Taylor and her work at www.eqwellness.org or on instagram at @thecaliforniacowgirlcompany.