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Show Her Real Friendships

The Nurtured Mommy
SHOW HER REAL FRIENDSHIPS

By: Denise E. Bailey | August 3, 2023

The saying goes that “we teach what we need to learn,” and I truly believe this with all of my heart, but goodness it is hard to swallow sometimes. I never knew just how much I’d be learning from raising our daughters. And with every passing year, I realize I have so much more to learn. Confession time: I sometimes find myself giving advice that I don’t actually follow. Here comes a few harsh truths that I hold dear to my heart:

1: It is okay for your child NOT to play with everyone at school. I know this seems contrary to the everybody gets a trophy culture we are becoming accustomed to, but come on…it simply has to be true. Why do I tell my child that she has to play with whomever asks her to play at recess, yet I give myself permission to set healthy energetic boundaries in my adult relationships? Is it because I want her to be liked? Is it because I fear that she will get boxed as a “mean” girl for not pleasing everyone. Time and time again I saw this happen on the playground when I was a teacher. A child would ask another child to play. The child would respond in a less than favorable way to the request for a multitude of reasons and then boom…the child who has hurt feelings goes off and tells the adult on yard duty. Children have to be kind to everyone at school, but that doesn’t mean they have to play with everyone. These are two very different things.

2: You don’t have to force playdates for your child to have friends. Ladies, we don’t have to relive our own childhood traumas and/or fix them with our own daughters. It is not our child’s job to carry that burden. Trust that your child will develop healthy friendships when they see them modeled by you. Some friendships will be for a reason, others for a season, and only a few for a lifetime. Life is too short to spend time in fake friendships, so stop making your daughters do the same. They are going to gain some, lose some, and learn a heck of a lot about themselves in between, so stop forcing them. It is okay if they only have one close friend.

3: It is never okay to talk about other children to other moms…ever. Remember that if someone is talking to you about another child, you better believe they are talking about your child to another mom. Here is the hard part, when you don’t respond and/or you stay neutral…you might be ostracized by the women participating in these convos. Don’t worry, it is just because you held up a mirror, and they were forced to see their actions. Here is the harder part…your child might be ostracized too. If you were honoring yourself and being true to your values, then that is all that should matter. We are taught at a very young age not to stand up for what we believe in for fear of not being liked. Be okay with not being liked by everyone (so much easier, said than done).

Friendships can’t be forced, and, when they are, they often turn into frenemies. It is our job as mamas to help our daughters manage the hard parts of social interactions. Not everyone is going to like you. You are going to trigger people’s egos. You are enough even when you make huge mistakes. You are going to hurt other people’s feelings by just simply being yourself. You are allowed to set healthy and KIND boundaries and so is your daughter. Give yourself permission to believe that boundaries aren’t mean, and being friends with everyone simply isn’t possible. You’ll free her to do the same.

Denise is a coffee lover, over-sharer, and truth seeker who is dedicated to vulnerably discussing the not so pretty parts of this amazing role. She is inspired by her three daughters to help women manage their expectations, let go of perfectionism, and lean into their enoughness. Denise is working on becoming a published author while simultaneously trying to figure out how to truly nurture herself in the midst of motherhood and beyond.
Read more on her Instagram @thenurturedmommy