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Big Moves

A New Mom, a New Marin
BIG MOVES

By: Taylor Shepard | May 4, 2023

At 23 weeks pregnant we packed up our whole life into brown U-Haul boxes and crossed the Golden Gate Bridge with our Height Street apartment in the rearview mirror. As a Marin native my husband had always dreamt of moving home to the towns in the shadow of Mt Tam. And as a gal who has lived in five states and countless apartments, homes, dorms, and horse trailers (a story for another day) I was game to follow his lead and make the move, too. Both of us love the great outdoors, love the simplicity of suburban life, and were ready to be out of the city where our love story first began.

For some background. I moved to California on a whim in 2016 and have lived all over the Peninsula working as a horseback riding coach. My hubby headed to the city after business school and is living the standard tech dude dream. We met in the normal old fashion way - dating app <wink> and got married in Hawaii in 2021. At the end of 2022 we found out we would be expecting our first baby, a girl we nicknamed and, for now, call “Poppy”.

As a 33-year-old female entrepreneur who has been fiercely independent her whole life, these transitions, from maiden to motherhood, and city to suburb, are life-altering on a deeply personal level. I have truly never felt more anxious, more nervous, more without a plan. And simultaneously I have never felt more myself. Something has shifted inside of me, and, while the future feels a bit overwhelming and uncertain, somehow I have this clarity that everything is working out exactly how it is meant for me, exactly how both the universe decided AND how I worked to create.

In early April I crossed into the 24th week of pregnancy and finally felt ready to talk about the wild ride this has been. Something that I have noticed as an expectant mom is the lack of communication among mothers about their REAL experiences. We are expected to be so grateful, so overwhelmed with joy, a calm, cool vision of a round belly draped in white linen with a forever glowing Instagram filter following us around as we nest and eat organically. Meanwhile mothers ahead of us remind us daily to “get sleep now” and that our “marriage and body will never be the same!” But, where is someone to talk to us about the anxiety of the first trimester that is coupled with all day feelings of car sickness and extreme fatigue? What about the fear of miscarriage and waiting and waiting and waiting at the hospital for answers when your husband is in another country for work? And despite intense efforts to stay healthy, fit and well-rested, moms still get sick and have no clue how it could impact their fetus? Where are those so willing to offer unsolicited advice when I am actually SOLICITING it?!

Three days before we finished placing the last item in those giant moving boxes I noticed that I had been sneezing a lot and just felt a little “off”. At 9pm after a long day of work and a hot shower I decided to take a COVID test... just to be safe. INSTANTLY those 2 lines appareed signaling that I was COVID positive! At first it did not really hit me and I sort of laughed it off. Of course, COVID, another thing, I joked! But, then reality began to kick in and fear took hold. I Googled it... MISTAKE. I scrolled and scrolled reading so many terrifying stories about how my baby would be harmed by the COVID. I couldn't stop the anxious tears from rolling and my sweet hubby did what he could to calm me down.

I popped Tylenol right away to quell the potential of a fever, slept with my GIANT Yeti water bottle to stay hydrated, and literally woke up every hour to take my temperature (which never got over 98.6 by the way). Luckily my amazing OB was able to hop on the phone with me as soon as I was up the next morning. I was extremely congested, but, since that was truly my only aggressive symptom, she advised me to keep up with my above remedy and add in some gloriously attractive neti-pot sessions.That was the worst of it. A horrendous stuffy nose and in four days I was COVID free. All that worry... it is just so consuming being the vessel in which your beloved is growing. It is such an honor and SUCH a gigantic weight to carry that my actions impact her and that my choices could harm her... but the truth is that I know I am doing everything I can to bring her here safely. The rest is not actually controllable.

For me, this journey has not been simple or calm. It has not been filled with only overwhelming joy. I did spend a whole evening at the hospital with some random second trimester bleeding, and I am feeling more anxiety than I think is typical. For me pregnancy carries a weight of knowing the most precious thing in my world is right there, right below my belly button.

There is nothing in this world I want more than to bring them into the world safe, happy, and healthy, but the majority of this process is not in my control (where are my fellow control freak millennials at?!). At the same time my journey to motherhood HAS been filled with feelings of gratitude that are hard to describe. Everytime she moves or flips in my womb I am reminded that the love between my husband and me created a miracle that I am sustaining in my body alone. I am strong, and my body was made for this. And I can trust both myself and this little Poppy Flower inside of me.

I hope to spend this time every month writing to you about my real experiences becoming both a mother and a Marinite. Navigating both the extreme gratitude as well as the hardships of taking on this whole new identity is both foreign to me AND feels so aligned.

Taylor Shepard is a new Marinite and mom-to-be exploring what this next stage of life will hold alongside her amazing partner, Jacob. She is a lifetime equestrian and entrepreneur who specializes in heart centered horsemanship and equine facilitated wellness. Taylor and Jacob have 5 horses and a beloved mini goat, Hazy Daizy. She is the owner of EQ Wellness LLC and founder of the California Cowgirl Company, a PATH certified instructor at BOK Ranch, coach of the Stanford Western Equestrian Team, and an avid Wild Horse advocate. You can learn more about Taylor and her work at www.eqwellness.org or on instagram at @thecaliforniacowgirlcompany.