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Taking Care
HOW TO WARM UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN THINGS HAVE COOLED DOWN

By: Julie Austin, Psy.D.   |  April 7, 2023

On a daily basis, we try to do it all.  We integrate dozens of activities and responsibilities covering every member of our family, pets included.  I can’t tell you how many camp carpools, homework sessions and softball practices I’ve participated in.  I was even brazen enough to coach softball for three years.  And while most days I felt like the Queen of the World, the thing that got deprioritized during our busiest years? My marriage.  

 

My husband and I are fine (I like to tell the end of the story before the beginning), but did we need a wake-up call.  And the wake up call came in the form of an observation from my then 6-year old daughter, who had already been diagnosed with ADHD (I mention this only because she wasn’t the most focused or observant person).  She said, “Mommy? Do you and daddy ever have playdates?  I never see you play together.”

 

Zowee.  That hurt.  I couldn’t quite believe that the erosion of personal and nurturing time with my husband had become so obvious to the outside world.  And if my kiddo noticed, why hadn’t we?  As a Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, I was especially disappointed in myself, but instead of beating myself and my husband up for our oversight, I chose to use it to make a radical shift in our purposefulness.  Boy did things change after that.  Thankfully he was as upset by our relative drift as I was and was fully on board with instilling in our lives On-Purpose Closeness.  

 

On-Purpose Closeness has at its core the concept that we should approach our relationship with the tenacity that we approach so many areas of our lives.  We couldn’t imagine not showing up for a meeting at work or our kids’ games.  We need to ‘show up’ for our partnership at home.  My husband and I decided, after lots of talking, a minor amount of fighting, and loads of collaboration, that we would make a menu.  Our On Purpose Closeness Menu.  Our unique menu includes many of the ideas I outline below, and has been the basis of increased closeness by many couples I work with. 

 

Schedule Intimacy
Many couples I work with balk at the idea of scheduling intimacy (“It means more when it's spontaneous!” they contest.)  I am here to say that that is wholly untrue.  If we expect our intimacy to only show up spontaneously, then we may be waiting a long time.  A very long time.  And what is more intimate than being deliberate about being close?  This can come in the form of an evening out, a hooky day from work (so much more fun when we’re being naughty), or The Tuesday Night Bath. 

 

The 10-minute rule
Designate a daily 10-minute time at the end of the day/before dinner to focus on each other.  Protect this time.  For example, put the kids in front of a video if necessary and go into another room (out of ear and eye shot); then each of you take some time to share directly to your partner about your day. The successes, the challenges, your needs.  This may be a time to just have an uninterrupted chat, or to ask for help.  It carves out space to connect.

 

Text love  
Texting has become another way to communicate administrative tasks ad nauseum.  But instead of asking your partner to pick up milk, set a reminder to text LOVE.  A joke, a picture, a selfie, a reminder that you are thinking of him/her that isn’t procedural.

 

Touch as you go 
Are you walking by your partner in the kitchen?  Touch him on the small of the back (a romantic place).  In the car shlepping kids?  Hold hands.  Take the opportunity to intentionally physically connect whenever possible.  Small and short points of contact go a long way to feel loved.

 

Give each other grace  
I can’t tell you how many times I have caught myself directing frustration at my husband that belonged somewhere else. And it can be almost a reflex to allow little things that annoy us to become larger conflicts, especially if we aren’t skilled at catching them when they’re little.  Make more effort not to allow things to either fester or balloon out of proportion, and to let the “toothpaste cap being off” go.

 

Rescue each other
One of the loveliest little memories I have with my husband happened several years ago when our kids were both in elementary school.  They were fighting, I was cooking and trying to intervene and was losing my mind.  I had had a DAY (you all know what I’m talking about).  My husband arrived on the scene and took the spatula out of my hand and said, “Go downstairs to our bedroom.”  When I gave him a weird look, he said, “Just go.” I did, and waiting for me was my favorite show cued up with a bowl of dry cereal (my guilty pleasure).  Not every stressful situation can be mitigated so beautifully, but notice when your partner just cannot manage what is happening – and take over without being asked.

 

Self-care means relationship care  
I am sure if you are an active parent, you’ve heard about self-care.  I sincerely hope you are practicing several ways for your own sake, but if you’re not, then your relationship may be suffering because of this.  If you don’t make time – even short bursts – to tend to your mind, body and soul, you will not have resources to nurture your partnership.  Prioritize.

 

Demonstrate appreciation  
Our relationships are mostly made up of small stuff – small interactions, small opportunities.  Rarely do we get chances to make a big splash about something big.  This means we have tons of opportunities to show our partner how much we appreciate him or her.  Pick out a few little things every day to do just that; “Thank you so much for remembering to pick up the mail on your way in so I didn’t have to” or “That love text hit the spot!”  

 

As you consider all of the ideas I put forth, understand that there are times when it all comes together, and times when it all falls apart.  But as long as you keep the long game in view, and commit to being conscious of mutually caring for the foundation of your family (this means you and your partner!), then it all evens out.  

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