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TEACHING KIDS ABOUT LOVE
By: Julie Austin, Psy.D. | February 2, 2023
It’s Valentine’s Day this month, and whether or not we appreciate this “holiday”, it can remind us to teach our children to give and receive love in healthy ways. As they grow and become more aware of feelings and actions displayed at home, we may want to think more consciously about how love shows up in our families.
Love can have so many expressions: kindness, empathy, friendship, and generosity, just to name a few. Here are a few ways that you can indirectly demonstrate love and kindness for your kids , every single day.
BE A ROLE MODEL
Our kids acquire our ideals from watching us (and they ARE watching!), so it greatly matters how and when we show love and kindness. There are simple actions we can model and then there are more subtle ones. Simple physical and verbal affection deeply impact your children. This may sound obvious – of course we hug our kids! Of course we kiss them! – but consistency is key, even when we are frustrated or distracted by life’s demands – especially when we are bogged down. The more subtle aspect of modeling love comes at these more difficult life moments. Share with your child how love and affection can be the antidote to those feelings, and can help us feel more connected and grounded. At times when they themselves are frustrated and acting out, take that opportunity to reflect. “I see how upset you are, and you are using angry words and actions. Maybe if I give you a hug, you will feel better?” We may find it difficult to show tenderness when our kids are acting out, but what better way to not only diffuse the tantrum, but to redirect them into focusing on feeling loved?
HELP THEM UNDERSTAND
Almost all parents are showered with the question “why?” multiple times a day when they have inquisitive small children who want to understand the people and situations around them. When we want them to be loving and kind, explain to them why they should act this way and then if it isn’t clear, what they should do. For example, if one of your children isn’t sharing with the other, establish an opportunity for empathy – a major component of love. Ask how they would feel if their sibling weren’t sharing with them. Wait patiently for an answer to see how much they themselves comprehend. If they aren’t clear, give them the words to understand. Explain to them how important it is to share and include people, that sharing helps others feel cared for. In non-teaching moments, you can read books on kindness, sharing and friendships and even role play with your children’s toys to drive the point home.
HELP THEM SEE THE IMPACT
Studies show that children as young as two enjoy giving treats more than receiving them. When teaching your kids about love, compassion, and kindness, as much as possible try to involve them in activities where they can see the impact that they are making. This helps our kids learn to pick up on non-verbal cues: body language and facial expressions. For instance, writing thank you cards and then delivering them brings the activity full-circle. Consider donating to a charity such as a food bank, but involve them in making a list, shopping and taking it to the charity. This leaves a much bigger impression on them.
GIVE THEM A CHOICE
When we obligate our kids to be kind or give a reward for doing something generous, they usually don’t feel good about it since it’s not emanating from within them, not genuine. This is where giving them a choice shifts it into an affirming experience. When you’re teaching your young child to share with a friend, instead of telling them to do it, ask them “do you want to give them the bear to play with or the dog? Giving your child the choice increases the probability that they will feel genuinely good about their generosity and will be generous in the future.
MAKE TIME FOR QUALITY FAMILY TIME
We demonstrate to our kids to love one another by making time - spending quality time together. Again, I imagine many of you are nodding your heads in obvious agreement, but our time together can become a series of “have to’s” – have to carpool, have to give a bath, have to help with homework. We may feel at the end of the day that we’ve spent loads of time together, when in fact we might have just been shepherding our kids from one thing to the next. Designating time focused on bonding and sharing an experience leaves everyone feeling more fulfilled.
Every day presents chances to teach about love, in the myriad ways that love shows up. Find and create those moments as often as possible and you will raise a child who embodies empathy, compassion and generosity.
Julie Austin, Psy.D is Certified Life Coach. She was a practicing psychologist and supervisor for 25 years, and decided to move into the collaborative and action-oriented world of life coaching. Her specialties include parenting, women’s empowerment and identity, communication, life transitions, grief and loss. Her style is interactive and supportive, quickly identifying the most important issues then developing the most useful approaches to resolving them. Please contact her at 415-272-4515 for questions and appointments. Website coming soon!