News / Articles

Stick to the Script

Justin P. McCarthy | Published on 8/31/2022

Dad’s Corner
STICK TO THE SCRIPT

By: Justin P. McCarthy | September 2, 2022

“Dearest children, my name is [Mom/Dad/Whoever leads or shares rotating leadership of your radical post-patriarchal family structure] and I will be your chief drive attendant today. On behalf of the [your last name] family and our entire crew, welcome aboard your childhood, with non-stop service from birth through your 18th birthday—now offering connections through your twenties and beyond!

At this time, please make sure you are in your full upright position in your car seats and boosters and that your seat belts are correctly fastened… no, sir, your belt isn’t broken… no, it’s not impossible to close. You did it yesterday. Also, no, you can’t have your portable electronic devices for the five-minute ride to school. Yes, I know [friend’s name] gets to. Still no. Thank you.

If you haven’t already done so, please stow a lifetime’s worth of crayons, LEGO pieces, scraps of paper, pine cones, sticks, googly eyes, doll clothes, food scraps and ‘found treasures’ underneath the seat in front of you. Jam them up as far as they’ll go, and forget they exist.

If you are seated in a window seat and would like control of your window, please refrain from extending heads, hands, feet, toys, clothing or siblings outside. If you are seated in an exit row and would like the child lock on your door disarmed, please prove you are able to open the door without slamming it into the [car/person/wall/tree] we have parked next to.

We remind you that this is a no-fighting drive. Fighting is prohibited in the entire vehicle, including the trunk. Turning the overhead lights on and off repeatedly is also restricted by parental law.

If you have any questions about our drive today, don’t hesitate to ask one of our attendants. But please remember we are trying to make it all the way through Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! for the first time in three years, so use your discretion… no, ma’am, I didn’t make that word up just now. It means ‘no more than one question per child every five minutes.’

Since this is a longer drive, in a few moments, our attendants will be coming around the cabin to offer you a drink and a snack… I’m sorry; we don’t have any Orange Fanta. No hot chocolate, either. Just water, actually. Why? Because the last time you had a smoothie back there and we hit some turbulence, you let go of it and your entire row smelled like overripe mangoes for six months. That’s why.

Once you’re settled in, you are welcome to your choice of personal entertainment options. No, we didn’t get those cool screens in the backs of our seats. Yes, I know [same friend’s name from above] has them. Maybe the [same friend’s last name] family can take you to Disneyland, next time. Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the drive. Or at least be reasonably quiet and don’t hurt yourself or anyone else. Thank you.

On behalf of the [your last name] family and our entire crew, I’d like to thank you for joining us on this trip. We realize you don’t have a choice of families, and we’re nonetheless thrilled we’re all together in this one. Despite the chaos and unceasing shenanigans, we are looking forward to seeing you on board again in the near future. Have a great day!”

(Source material for this article adapted from airodyssey.net/reference/inflight/#boarding.)

Justin P. McCarthy lives in Tiburon with his wife, Katie, and their three children--Jack, Ali, and Claire. He’d be delighted to hear from you at jpm.smmc@gmail.com.