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THE TECH CONUNDRUM FOR PARENTS

Developing a better relationship with your device by balancing phone time and quality time

By: Kelly Brown   |   September 28, 2021

I recently spent two weeks traveling the Pacific Coast in a 25-foot Airstream with my husband and our three kids. 

I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m not a camper (yet) and despite the way it looks while backing into a tiny campsite, a 25-by-8 foot Airstream isn’t very large with five people inside. But we did it, it was magical, and I learned a lot about myself—specifically related to my relationship with my phone.

Before leaving, I committed to a “tech break.” My screen time reports were out of line with my values, my brain felt scrambled from multitasking, and I wanted to be present to climb redwood trees and hug my kids with both arms. 

I logged off Instagram (and then deleted the app from my homescreen), set up auto-responders on my email and used the “Do Not Disturb While Driving” auto-reply feature, even when not driving, to let people know I wasn’t responding to text messages. 

I felt calmer and less frazzled. I had time to make friendship bracelets with my daughter and search for hermit crabs with my son. I came up with new ideas for my coaching practice, which I shared with my husband under the light of a full moon. 

Of course the vacation mindset and beautiful scenery played a role in creating these memories, but so did having my eyes and mind free to take them in. As such, I came home wanting to establish stronger boundaries around when and how I use my device. 

After being home for a few days, however, I was reminded just how hard that is to implement, in practice. While we were on the road it was easier to stay off my phone since our internet speed was as fast as my AOL connection in 1996 and I didn’t need to manage work or scheduling. But back at home, amidst the demands of normal life, it’s much harder. 



At the heart of the tech conundrum parents face each day are two competing truths:

1) On one hand, your phone is useful, entertaining and plays a significant role in getting things done. 

It allows you to work remotely, listen to a podcast, arrange a carpool to soccer practice, and order groceries. More notably, your device fills deeper needs as well. Text messages provide connection with friends; email allows you to feel productive and accomplished, and an Instagram scroll can be inspiring and feel like a break. 

2) On the other hand, your phone can distract you from being present with the people you love if you’re not aware of when and how you’re using it. 

In addition, the feelings you seek when you pick up your phone—connection, a sense of accomplishment, a break—aren’t often the feelings you experience while using it. For example, instead of connecting with your kids over a game of Uno, you’re responding to group text messages. Instead of feeling accomplished in sending a work email, multitasking makes you feel as though you’re not doing anything well. And instead of feeling relaxed and inspired while scrolling social media, you feel frazzled and full of self-doubt. 

Your relationship with your device is complicated because your phone provides both traction and distraction depending on how and when you use it, so setting boundaries isn’t as simple as blocking notifications and hiding your phone in a drawer (although those things help). You also need to acknowledge the deeper needs your device fulfills and make time for those. 

And since you can’t always drive an Airstream off the grid, you need a strategy that feels realistic and consistent with your values. I recommend trying these three tactics:

1.     Be aware that the phone and the activities it’s used for aren’t necessarily the problem. Acknowledging this allows you to move forward without beating yourself up over screen time reports. For example, if you plan to catch up on text messages for 30 minutes with your favorite tea in hand after your kids are in bed, it might feel relaxing. If you spend the same amount of time doing so while cooking dinner and helping with homework, you may feel frazzled. It’s the divided attention that’s often the problem, not the activity itself. 

2.      Make note of the things you do on your phone and add them to time blocks on your calendar. By creating times for working, scheduling playdates, shopping, and scrolling, you’ll be less likely to reach for your phone during a time that’s intended for something else like quality time with your kids, driving, or sleeping. Commit to adjusting this plan weekly or as often as your family's needs and schedules change.  

3.      When you find yourself reaching for your device during unplanned windows, ask yourself what you’re really looking for in that moment. Are you feeling anxious and hoping your newsfeed will ease your mind? Are you avoiding a difficult conversation with your boss and shopping for a new rug instead? Once you’re aware of what you’re seeking, you can decide if your phone is indeed the answer or if there’s a better solution like calling a friend, going for a walk, or dealing with the problem head on.

I am by no means perfect here, but for myself and my clients I’m finding it’s rewarding to think through these steps to create more room for the things and people you love. As you create tech boundaries, go easy on yourself! In the history of human existence having a mega-computer in your pocket is a new phenomenon and just like all new encounters patience, humor, and kindness are required. 

Kelly Brown is a mother of three, Health Coach, and founder of Real Food House. Kelly leads a transformational wellness program called 10x REAL where she guides people in prioritizing their own health and wellness in the midst of parenthood. You can reach Kelly by email - kelly@realfoodhouse.com follow her @realfoodhouse or learn more at www.realfoodhouse.com

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