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DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS AND HOW TO MAKE THEM EASIER
By: Diana Tauder | July 22, 2021
In the heat of a difficult conversation, it’s easy to forget that the person we’re at loggerheads with most likely didn’t wake up in the morning with the mission to ruin our day. In fact, “assuming intentions” is one of several common missteps we can take that might derail a discussion.
Some conversations are just really hard to navigate. When there’s an issue that’s important to us, we often bring a whole lot more to the conversation than originally intended. What we tend to bring are our assumptions, our truth about what happened and a multitude of feelings. While all might seem important to us in the heat of debate, not all is useful in coming to a productive resolution.
Let’s imagine a scenario. A slidedeck is being worked on for an important client presentation by co-workers Paul and Sarah. Minutes before the presentation, Sarah notices two inaccurate numbers, and it’s too late to make any fixes. The errors don’t faze Paul, but Sarah is mortified. After the big meeting, Paul and Sarah have a tense conversation. Although they can agree on the fact that there were two errors in the slidedeck, what’s important to discuss can be different for each person.
To enact positive change, Paul and Sarah must be willing to deeply listen to each other, put aside blame, let go of assumptions and do their best to sort through their feelings. Piece of cake, right?
There’s a great book, aptly titled Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project, that breaks down these tricky convos into three simultaneous conversations to be sorted out and examined beforehand to better communicate with less friction and more impact. Here are some tips that might help Paul, Sarah and the rest of us make difficult conversations a little bit easier:
The “What Happened?” Conversation
The Truth?
In our imagined scenario, Paul and Sarah agree on the fact that there were two slidedeck errors. However, they each have their own interpretation of what occurred. Seeking to understand another person’s point of view demonstrates that we care enough to listen and gives us insight into their perspective. Sharing perspectives rather than “the truth” makes space for multiple interpretations of what happened. Difficult conversations are rarely about facts.
Intention vs. Impact
Before entering into a conversation, it’s helpful to jot down the actions (uncaught errors), impact (Sarah was mortified) and assumed intentions (Sarah might assume Paul doesn’t mind losing the client) around the issue at hand. This writing exercise allows us to see the assumptions we’re making about the other person’s intentions. We really don’t understand each other’s motivations until they share with us, and we listen, without interruption or judgement.
Similarly, this exercise will also help us sort through our own intentions, be them good, bad or ugly.
Blame vs. Contribution
Assigning blame puts others on the defensive and distracts us from figuring out what went wrong and how to improve our process for the future. This is hard to remember in the midst of a heated argument, and it’s best to come to the conversation prepared to share how you contributed to the problem.
The Feelings Conversation
The factor that weaves the thickest yarn through a difficult conversation is our feelings. Before entering into a discussion, it’s wise to spend a little time unraveling what’s going on inside. Which of our feelings are based on assumptions about the other person’s intentions, perspectives and values? It’s best to enter the conversation knowing what feelings are pertinent to the issue and to express them without attributing blame, judgement or assumed intentions.
In return, we listen attentively to others. If they’re unable to separate their feelings from blame or assumed intentions, we must not “take the bait” but stay focused and acknowledge their feelings when it’s our turn to speak. Although it may not have been our intention to hurt them, it’s important to acknowledge the impact of our words or actions.
The Identity Conversation
The Identity Conversation happens internally, and usually reveals itself outwardly by causing us to feel anxious, fearful or stressed. Others can trigger us into an “Identity Quake” during a difficult conversation, which causes us to challenge the way we view ourselves. Most commonly it makes us question our competency, our being a good person or our worthiness of love.
If we’re knocked off balance, we’re prone to stop listening and potentially lash out. From Difficult Conversations, “Grappling with identity issues is what life and growth are all about…Thinking clearly and honestly about who you are can help reduce your anxiety level during the conversation and significantly strengthen your foundation in its aftermath.”
If we’re able to discuss what matters most to us with the intention to learn and collaborate, we’ll be more likely to deeply listen. By doing our part to understand ourselves and one another, we’re giant leaps closer to keeping our difficult conversations from becoming heated, ineffectual arguments.
More from this issue:
FOR KIDS TO CARE ABOUT CHORES, TEACH THEM TO BE “FAMILY CITIZENS” Read >>
FIVE SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT NEWBORNS Read >>
REMEMBERING HOW TO HAVE SMALL TALK Read >>
MOM HACKS: GLITTER JARS & MORE Read >>
LISTEN TO THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD Read >>
JULY’S BOOK PICKS: BIG FEELINGS Read >>
Diana Tauder lives in Corte Madera with her two amazing daughters and one very energetic dog. She enjoys running, tennis, skiing and frolicking with her family. Diana is an executive coach and founder of Shorecliff Coaching. Connect with her at diana@shorecliffcoaching.com.