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TO GET YOUR KIDS TO CARE ABOUT CHORES, MAKE THEM “FAMILY CITIZENS”

By: Cody Harris   |   July 22, 2021

I think we can all agree it’s important to get your children to do chores. The Internet is full of articles about age-appropriate chores, ranging from picking up toys for 3-year-olds to changing vacuum bags for 13-year-olds. I couldn’t agree more — there are chores that need doing, and I have two able-bodied young men (ages 8 and 10) who are more than capable. 

So why is it so hard to get them to do chores consistently? 

We’ve tried several strategies. We’ve tried positive reinforcement, like sticker charts and marble jars. We’ve tried stern lectures. We’ve tried paying an allowance. I’m pretty sure I’ve tried exasperatingly banging my head against the kitchen counter. These tactics have worked here and there, but never consistently. 

Having met with mixed success the old fashioned way, we turned to technology. We tried a new chore-based app called Joon, which allows you to assign chores per day or week, and then lets kids earn virtual credits they can use to explore an online world. It was fun and successfully incentivized them...for a week or so. But we ran into an unintended side effect. The chores got done, but the kids’ screen time increased exponentially. We segued from nagging them about chores to nagging them to put their iPads down. In the end, we all collectively decided we didn’t like the app-based approach, so we were back to square one. 

Recently, I’ve been thinking that the focus on chores is, perhaps, a bit myopic. Yes, it’s important that the dishwasher get unloaded and the bed gets made. But it’s more important for the kids to understand why they’re doing these things. If they understand the reason behind the chores, maybe they will find self-motivation to do them instead of relying on external rewards and punishment. 

Lately I’ve been talking to the kids about what it means to be a good citizen of our family. Citizenship is a virtue in short supply these days, and reinforcing it at home strikes me as good policy. To me, family citizenship means not only appreciating what your family is doing for you (whether it’s yummy food, fun trips, or cozy snuggles), but also figuring out what you can do to help the family function. What talents or skills can you bring to the table? What needs doing and how can you help? If, somehow, we can teach our kids to approach their family as citizens rather than consumers, then the chores should (in theory) follow.

If I’m being honest, I’d have to say that my Family Citizenship Challenge is very much a work in progress. But I’m viewing it as a long-term strategy. Here’s the plan: 

Engage empathy. It is worth explaining to the boys why we need—not just want—their help around the house. The chores aren’t just busy work, a veiled punishment, or an excuse to avoid screen-time. We parents are exhausted from working and taking care of the boys’ little sister. We truly need their help to get things done. 

Develop habits. We have tried to create a habit around arriving back at home after an outing. When the van pulls up to the house, the kids should say, “Is there anything I can do to help?” There’s usually a bag to carry in, or something they can help unload. Other habits, like asking “Do we have everything?” before we leave the house, should follow. 

Make it personal. Chores in the abstract are hard for kids to wrap their heads around at this age. I mean, I want their rooms cleaned up, but do they really care one way or another? A chore that empowers them to do something for themselves is a win-win—they see and feel the results, and they take something off of our plate. We’re focusing on tasks that lead to tangible results, like making their own breakfast and doing laundry so their favorite shirt is clean. 

Framing. Part of this experiment turns on the words we use to talk about chores. Instead of “do this, do that,” I’m trying to talk about this in terms of family citizenship. I’m reminding them that they are part of this special little social unit we live in, and that comes with both benefits and responsibilities. 

Of course, this lofty approach will have its limits. There will still be a role for sticker charts, allowances, and the occasional head bang on the kitchen counter. But in the end, I figure this can’t hurt. If we can make our kids good family citizens, all sorts of good things will happen. And maybe, just maybe, the boys will empty the dishwasher.

Cody Harris lives in Marin with his wife, Rebecca. They have two boys and aspiring big leaguers, Emmett and Levi, and a 16-month old daughter, Annanit. When they’re not cheering from the stands, Cody’s a litigator and Rebecca is an RN and Lactation Consultant.